Armchair Quarterback

Well, the season's finally here and the players hit the field

And every man feels like a boy and every wife could kill

He's been buying beer since August

Running hot and running cold and thirty friends are on alert

That's all the den will hold!

He's the Armchair Quarterback he's full of beer and full of snacks

The all-American man, with a cool one in his hand

The Armchair Quarterback he's kind of fun and kind of fat

The all-American man, with a cool one in his hand

Now if you stand and block the screen you may just lose your life

And that goes for all thirty friends and the thirty friends' wives

Then the den falls silent we just need a yard or two

They wouldn't change that channel now if the Rockettes came on nude

The announcer agrees with the referee but the den does not at all

And thirty fists are clinched in hate and pound upon the wall

Why any fool could see he made that first down when he dived!

If Howard Cosell came in now he'd never get out alive

'Cause he's the Armchair Quarterback he's full of beer and full of snacks

The all-American man, with a cool one in his hand

The wives are all disgusted and they're meeting in the yard

On their way to wear the numbers off our credit cards (Shop, shop, shop)

He's got his six year old son, Billy, sittin' on the floor

Watching college wrap-up and writing down the scores

There stands uncle Andy bending empty cans

"For god sakes, Andy, get that cool one out of Billy's hand!"

Well, what do you know it's half time where's the bathroom tell me please

Don't go outside 'cause the neighbors dog bites everything he sees

Well if they make it through the Super Bowl well she'll be happy then

'Cause she'll get back her TV and he'll give up the den

He'll be tired and incoherent and he will not know his name

But he'll lift one eyelid just to say: "wake me up for the ol' score game!"

With a cool one in his hand

Broken pretzels in the rug

The beer cans could be worse

She'll clean it up tomorrow and dread September first

When once again...ha ha...

The season's finally here and the players hit the field

And every man feels like a boy and every wife could kill

He's been buying beer since August running hot and running cold

And thirty friends are on alert

That's all the den will hold

He's the Armchair Quarterback he's full of beer and full of snacks

The all-American man, with a cool one in his hand

Yeah, the Armchair Quarterback he's kind of fun and kind of fat

The all-American man, with a cool one in his hand