Jack: My partner’s french press; I said it was crushed in the basin.
Finlay: Five eggs simultaneously.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Jack: A wasp.
Finlay: Sriracha on a Maryland cookie, don’t knock it till you try it.
If you had a pet giraffe, what would you call it?
Jack: Geraldine.
Finlay: Paul Buchanan.
What strength Nandos sauce do you order?
Jack: Medium. Anything above you’re a cycle path, mate.
Finlay: Extra hot obviously, I’m not a baby!
What’s the most impressive thing you can cook?
Jack: A damn fine cheese toastie, with the MEDIUM Nando’s sauce, on a pan, not a machine. Vegan option available.
Finlay: I make a mean loaf of bread; the key is measuring nothing and viciously over seasoning it.
Have you ever won anything?
Jack: I’m usually more of the ‘taking part’ type, but I did come first in a skate jam when I was younger.
Finlay: Aside from every single game of Mario Kart I’ve ever played, no.
What is your earliest memory?
Jack: When I got stung in the ear by a wasp in nursery and realised there was pain in the world, think that’s what they call your ‘primal scream’.
Jack: I don’t believe in worshipping materialistic things, but probably my Lambo.
Finlay: My Blue Nile ‘Downtown Lights’ 7”!
What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?
Jack: Once, I went on the caterpillar rollercoaster for cowardly babies at Camperdown Park and am yet to fully recover.
Finlay: Probably climbing a moderately sized hill; I don’t do heights!
Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Jack: It’d take less time to tell you all my non-fictional crushes, in all honesty.
Finlay: Karen from Spongebob.
What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
Jack: One time, I admitted in a magazine interview that I primarily fancy fictional characters.
Finlay: Shame isn’t something I am familiar with.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Jack: One time, I dreamt that a deceased relative visited me from the beyond the grave, but my 10-year-old brain made them a Star Wars Jedi ghost, robe and all.
Finlay: I haven’t! But my girlfriend keeps trying to buy creepy old dolls for our flat, so I’ll get back to you on that one.
What’s the naughtiest thing you did at school?
Jack: Took out the bathroom light with a bar of soap in P2. My first and only taste of the school justice system.
Finlay: Nothing, I have always been a saint.
Have you ever fallen over onstage?
Jack: Being the drummer, that would be quite a feat. But I’ve smacked myself in the balls many times.
Finlay: Have I ever not?
If you could have a superpower of your choosing, what would it be?
Jack: Teleportation, simply the most useful superpower in the real world.
Finlay: Always knowing where I left that thing I was looking for.
What have you got in your pockets right now?
Jack: 1x vape pen (hell yeah); 1x wallet (empty); 2x mini rolls (saving them for later).
Finlay: A white chocolate snickers wrapper that I don’t recall eating, sounds delicious!
What’s your favourite type of weather?
Jack: ‘Merriweather Post Pavilion’.
Finlay: Mild.
What did you last dream about?
Jack: Probably being naked at some high society event, I’m naked in most of my dreams.
Finlay: Something about the world ending.
If we gave you £10, what would you spend it on?
Jack: Fallout 4 DLC.
Finlay: Skyrim DLC.
What is your favourite time of day?
Jack: Post-dinner evening.
Finlay: Breakfast time.
What do you always have in your refrigerator?
Jack: Crafties.
Finlay: Pickled red cabbage; it’s so addictive.
Have you got any secret tattoos?
Jack: Tennants logo on the inside of my right nostril.
Finlay: I’ve got a really dodgy Bart Simpson on my thigh the size of a £2 coin.
How punk are you out of ten?
Jack: 11 sunglasses emoji
Finlay: Probably a respectable 6, answering 10 wouldn’t be very punk, would it?
What’s your breakfast of choice?
Jack: A Bloody Mary, darling.
Finlay: Lasagne, breakfast is a societal construct.
If you had to be on a TV gameshow, which would you choose?
Jack: I would absolutely devastate on Catchphrase.
Finlay: Definitely not Countdown; I can’t spell for the life of me.
If a genie granted you three wishes, what would you ask for?
Jack: To redo the Star Wars sequel trilogy with only one director at the helm. I’d also like a Scottish Fold, and a big house in the Netherlands.
Finlay: A new Elder Scrolls game. An endless supply of pickled red cabbage. Perhaps a new pair of funky spectacles?
Tell us a secret about yourself?
Jack: I’m a test tube child. Does that make me a Powerpuff girl?
Finlay: I have none! Aside from my Bart Simpson tattoo. You won’t tell anyone, though, will you?
Taken from the August 2021 edition of Dork, out now. Walt Disco’s single ‘Selfish Lover’ is out now.
