Someplace Cheap

Down a dirt road in the middle of nowhere Ohio There’s hundreds of motorcycles parked out in a clearing Fire archery out in the woods Pigs roasting A heavy metal band Inside there's a bar and a guy named Randy Who would play a cover of any song you told him We drank for free all night and hung out with the three bikers we met earlier at the McDonald's parking lot We had the time of our lives They offered us a place to stay They didn't live far Coach and Ron and the other guy whose name I can't remember Ron was wearing a leather vest that's sewn onto it the American flag So his biker nickname was Captain America So we ride to this guy's house The youngest of the three A fireman and recently divorced I think it's the coolest thing Riding through the night to this house We get inside and he has a whole room Full of assault rifles all over the wall He’s got all kinds of handguns and swords They ask us if we smoke weed And they roll up a blunt We smoke Then we realize none of the three bikers are smoking Then it kind of hits us that we've been drugged Before I know it I’m in handcuffs And they're trying to take me into this bedroom They say they just wanna film me in the handcuffs Because it was funny or whatever My friends don't let it happen We’re freaked out because obviously we've been drugged And we don't know with what Coach, I think, went home And the firefighter man went to sleep And me and my friends slept on the couch together We woke up in the morning And one of our friends had disappeared We couldn't find him anywhere There was a video camera sitting on the coffee table We’re ready to fight We woke up at 7:00 in the morning And we have to get the fuck out of here We find our friend in the attic on a stained mattress And he’s naked down to his underwear He doesn't know what happened We don't know what happened We get back downstairs and D is like "Look at this" He plays back the camcorder that was sitting on the coffee table And Captain America was jerking off He was filming himself jerking off on us While we were asleep Saying the most foul, vile shit that you could possibly imagine We're whispering 'Cause Captain America's passed out on this little, like, chair in the living room But Chris is so angry he records himself saying like "My name is __________ I work at the LensCrafters store number 664 Lehigh Valley Mall Come to Pennsylvania and fucking find me, bitch"