[Beatboxer Joshua Silverstein begins]
[Lil Rel]
Yo, yo, yo. Nah, nah, nah, nah. I don't want no beat. I don't need to beat. We doin' this a capella. Straight battle rap style. Here we go, yeah
[Round 1: Lil Rel]
It's Nicole Scherzinger, what a surprise
I've heard her name before, but I still gotta Google it every time
You left a girl band, in fact, it was two
When will you realize that the problem is you?
Do anything for fame just to stay in the game
Your whole girl group was just as lame as Danity Kane
You were the Beyoncé of the Pussycat Dolls in the beginning
The only difference is Beyoncé's still famous for actually singing
[Round 1: Nicole Scherzinger]
Hey everybody, it's our pal, Lil Rel
He looks like if Kenan was eaten by Kel
You can see him every week on The Carmichael Show
He's the one that made you think Urkel let himself go
You try to act tough, but you're such a weird nerd
Because I know your real name is Milton Howery III
You think you spit facts, I'm sending you back
Sad we're stuck with you now and had to lose Bernie Mac
[Round 2: Lil Rel]
So she won Dancing with the Stars, like any of us really care
She's a professional dancer, for God's sake, so how is that even fair?
You got a solo career, you know, it kinda makes me crack up
You're like a hard drive, 'cause all you should do is just do back-up, boo
Yeah, I knew off the bat this battle would end tragic
You're like a Kardashian, but the one they keep in the attic
It's actually sad how you try to act
Your best movie is the worst Men in Black
[Round 2: Nicole Scherzinger]
How you give yourself the name Lil Rel
When everything you wear is size XXL?
Have you avoided being famous on purpose?
You look like Hannibal Buress if he ate when he was nervous
Your big break was Get Out, and I know what it means
I get out of the theater every time you on screen
(I do, I just— I get up, and I get out)
Uh, and you think your nickname is some type of riddle
Trust me, I know why people call you "Lil"
[Lil Rel]
It's not true! That's why I wore these jeans, these are my dick print jeans. I know what I did
[Beatboxer Joshua Silverstein begins]
[Lil Rel]
Stop! She gotta hear this
[Joshua Silverstein]
I'm sorry
[Round 3: Lil Rel]
So you saw Get Out, right? You admitted that with grace
Especially 'cause your career is in the Sunken Place
See, your jokes about my career, it's just too weak
'Cause Get Out made a hundred million in just two weeks
Yo, if I asked who you're impressing, or what medium you're best in
You'll learn some choreography and dance around the question, you know?
See, I don't listen to your music, because I'll tell ya the truth
Your music is a lot like your body, it's overproduced
[Nicole shows off body and crowd cheers]
[Lil Rel]
Shit
[Joshua Silverstein]
It is amazing, though
[Nicole Scherzinger]
A little too much bass for you, baby?
[Lil Rel]
Can I redo my last line? I'm sorry. I apologize
[Round 3: Nicole Scherzinger]
You're a funny guy, but you're out of your element
You're Lil Rel, but you're hardly relevant
You're on TV, and that takes guts
To hang on Jerrod Carmichael, his nuts
His nuts, these nuts, sha nuts, sha mone, sha nuts
Come on, baby
Uh, I don't know whether to roast you, or give you belly rubs
You look like Winnie the Pooh tryna get into the club
I'm a vet in this bitch, you just a rookie
If I'm the cat, then tell me why you such a pussy
