Wound

From a soapbox, I have glorified my slow disintegration
Nothing more than my verbose, romanticised self-deprecation
I've little more to offer than advice on letting blood
My cynicism serves no purpose, and my love is not enough
To eschew negative behaviours that I've tried to use to cope
Abuse of prescribed medication lay as a hand around my throat

But sobriety failed to sedate high functioning depression
My levity has always been a wound that needs addressing

And the diagnostic lens through which my health is often viewed
Fails to take into account the uncomfortable truth
Perhaps my pessimism prospers in the absence of progress
Is my cynicism premature or justified by my emptiness?

But sobriety fails to sedate high functioning depression
My levity has always been a wound that needs a dressing

Since becoming an adult, I've tried to think about it less often
But at the tender age of 16 I'd already hit the bottom
My brother found me sitting on the floor of the family bathroom
Crying hysterically and desperately clutching to two or three packets
Of painkillers that I'd been terrified of for weeks
I'd been feeling low for a while, but I never truly felt comfortable speaking about it
And he wasn't really able to understand what he'd seen
But he knew that I was upset so decided to sit beside me
That was enough for me to view the situation from a new perspective
While true, I knew what I was doing, I'd neglected to think beyond that moment

And ironically it scares me to death now knowing that I may have left him
Without a brother because of a mindset I'm yet to fully recover from
But I guess the memory also invigorates me with a hope that evidently
I was lacking at the time
Which is fortunate because now ten years down the line
I've thought of leaving more than I care to remember
But while the bad days still hold weight, they're definitely getting better
Every day, I dilute the nefarious self-deprecation and loathing a little more
With the help of my loved ones
Whose constant support I certainly wouldn't be here without

In all the ways that I am weak, I am also strong
Learning how to speak gave me the strength to carry on