The Camping Trip

Last summer I thought for a little diversion

I'd take my family on a camping excursion

We were tired of vacations with air conditioned rooms and such

(Swimming pools, room service)

I thought two weeks way back in the woods

Would do us all a whole world of good

Especially the kids, they don't appreciate nature much

(Rather watch a TV, eat a Twinkie)

Well, my wife wasn't sure but I said "Look here, Honey

We'll have a lot of fun and save a lot of money."

Now right there's where I made my first mistake friends

(I figured a tent, a few cans of beans, marshmallows, what could it cost?)

But with the sleeping bags, and the hiking shoes

And all the other paraphernalia that you use

It came to $6,947.22

(But like the man said, you can use it all again)

Well, we packed the new Land Rover with the maximum load

And drove till we run plum out of road

And then backpacked six hours straight up a steep incline

(Briars and brambles and cockleburrs)

Then we saw the perfect site

There were trees on the left and a creek on the right

Of a clearing to pitch the tent, just what we had in mind

(Eat your heart out, Field & Stream)

Now pitching the tent took four hours or so

And by then the sun was sinking low

And the kids were whining and crying for something to eat

(Then my wife said "Where's the restroom?"

I told her and she grinned and says "Yeah, now where is it really?")

So we broke out the soda crackers and sardines

The Vienna sausages and the pork and beans

And sat around the fire to enjoy a well earned treat

(Mmm good, none of that citified junk food for us)

(Kinda reminds me of wild hickory nuts!)

Let's all go camping, you'll never have it so good

It's great getting back to Nature, out here in the woods

Amongst the birds and the bees, and the flowers and the trees where the animals are our friends

Once you get hooked on camping, you'll never like the city again

Well, we just weren't ready for what happened then

When sparks from the campfire carried by the wind

Set a pile of leaves and two $89.95 sleeping bags aflame

(Little Elmer was going for the marshmallows, thought it was part of the deal)

It spread from the bags and the leaves to the trees

Raging out of control and fanned by the breeze

I thought all was lost and then thank God it started to rain

(I don't mean showers, friends, we're talking bare 'em up Noah one whole time)

Well the fire was out, and we huddled in the tent

Whoa slapped out from the day's events

Floating on our air mattresses in mud, ankle deep

(Where upon my wife says, "I really need to know now where is the restroom?")

When it finally stopped raining it was cold and late

But those mysterious noises kept us awake

And we all knew we'd be mauled or axe murdered in our sleep

(At this point I knew the ghost stories earlier had been a bad idea)

I was dozing off, just about to dream

About a Holiday Inn, when a blood curdling scream

Announced the presence of something in the tent covered with hair

(That's when I said, "Leap up there, son, and light the Coleman

I think there's something in here with us.")

We lit the lantern and there he was

A little beady eyed fuzzy, looking at us

And we chased him out of the tent and ran head on into a bear

(He'd just finished off the groceries and was frothing at the mouth

We ain't talking no Gentle Ben here friends)

He reared back on his haunches and he let out a growl

And we all turned white and let out a howl

And went tearing through the woods in hysterics without a flashlight or a lamp

(It's amazing what adrenaline will do, I mean I was a track star in High School

But my chubby little wife just flatfooted past me with a child under each arm

Like I was taking a Sunday stroll

Yelling "Never mind the restroom!")

Well, somehow we all made it to the car

And I had to crank it with a quick hot wire

Cause I'd left the keys in my backpack, back at the camp

(Along with my shoes, wallet, my Rolex, $6,947.22 worth of camping equipment)

We went flying down that dark and muddy trail

Slipping and a-sliding like a bat outta hell

Till we drove through a stream that we'd crossed on our way in

(Lord knows how we missed all those trees at 90 miles per hour - sideways)

Now the rain made it deeper than it was before

The water started pouring in around the doors

We had to swim for the shore, never saw that Land Rover again

(Just floated off, last I saw was the taillights going over the falls

State Farm's ain't never gonna believe this)

Well, we finally stumbled into civilization

Called a friend of mine from a Texaco station

And he drove out to pick us up and take us all on home

(Wet, cold, tired and talking to ourselves)

They say take only pictures and leave only footprints

Well, we left 8 sleeping bags, 2 Trailmaster tents

A Coleman stove, $400 worth of groceries

A Land Rover, a Rolex and every stitch of clothing my wife ever owned

(Oh yeah, had to take it all with us, mink coat, makeup, electric curling iron

"You never know what you might need", she said)

Let's all go camping, you'll never have it so good

It's great getting back to Nature, out here in the woods

Amongst the birds and the bees, and the flowers and the trees where the animals are our friends

Once you get hooked on camping, you'll never like the city again