Get It Off Your Chest

Get it, get it off your chest

Get it, get it off your chest

Get it off your chest

Every year when my son's school sends out their class list with parents' names

The first thing I do is Google them

To see what they paid for their apartments

Get it, get it off your chest

Get it, get it off your chest

I secretly like almost everything that Goop sells

I don't know what to do with batteries

So I just throw them in the river

I give bigger tips to unattractive peoplе

Get it, get it off your chest

Gеt it, get it off your chest

I count anxiety dreams as workin' out

And I can't count the number of times I called my Alexa a cunt (Neither can we)

Sometimes when I'm driving, I close my eyes

And count to five, just to see what happens

Get it, get it off your chest

Get it, get it off your chest

I'd like to think I'm a hero

But I bet when the apocalypse comes

I'll be one of those losers

Who needs to be dragged around on a sled

I only like people who like me but be careful

If you like me too much, it has the opposite effect

And I'll find you desperate

I don't trust stand-up comics who are too in shape

Get it, get it off your chest

Get it, get it off your chest

I haven't listened to a voice mail since 2013

Okay, here's a genuine question

Are all people with red hair and freckles morning people?

Because I swear I've never seen one at night

Show me a redhead at night!

Get it, get it off your chest

Get it, get it off your chest

I once masturbated in a hospital bed

Is it bad that some of the best times I've had with my son

Are when he has a little fever? (It's a little bad)

He's so calm and cuddly

There's a type of euphoria that can only be reached by

Dragging a foot with athlete's foot vigorously across a carpet

I don't know what escrow means

Does anyone know what escrow means? (No idea)

Get it, get it off your chest

Get it, get it off your chest

That's all I have, because I'm perfect

No, wait, I lived in Usher's guesthouse for two years

He never knew, he never knew

Ha!