Pets

[Intro] One, two, three, four [Verse 1] Well pets don't care about your new haircut And a pet doesn't give a crap about your recent hernia operation But I think it might be important to have a pet But then again y'know it's hard to move around with a pet And pets don't know about the geopolitical situation Well this can be comforting, but it can also be distracting And a pet requires care and costs money But you can probably afford one, especially if you give up smoking [Chorus] Oh, pets I'm thinking all about pets I think it'd improve my life if I got a pet Yeah, pets [Verse 2] And pets ensure that you leave the house 'Cause they need walking But this can also get annoying And what if you buy your pet when it's very small And then it grows up not to like you as a person? Well, pets can get you rather obsessed Sometimes you can't see when your pet is doing wrong Cause you love your pet so much Well pets are a kind of animal But can a plant be a pet? No [Chorus] Pets I'm thinking all about pets I think it might improve my life if I got a pet And what's better, to have a partner or to have a pet? I don't know [Verse 3] Well, try not to run over your pet And don't keep your pet in a plastic bag Unless your pet is a carton of milk An ant and a twig don't make a very good pets because they're easy to lose And watch out for hippies, y'know they keep rocks as pets And one good thing about a pet is that you can teach it tricks Well even when it's old, y'know that's a common misconception But pets can't play the guitar and aren't very useful But apparently Phil Collins keeps a worm that knows how to drum And I hear that Patti Smith's favourite pet is an earring And unfortunately a pet can't sit next to you on a plane But someone should really set up an airline in which they can Don't you think? [Bridge] And if you need to take your pet on a plane Well if it's a pigeon you can keep it down your trousers Or if it's a tortoise you can disguise it as a hamburger Or disguise it as a codpiece [Chorus] Oh, pets Y'know, I'm thinking all about pets I think it'd improve my life if I got a pet Yeah, pets And this bit's for the kids [Verse 4] You know a cat goes woof And a dog goes miaow And a little mouse goes cocka-doodle-doo And a Pokémon card goes nothing And an oyster goes *click* And a little rabbit goes sniff sniff sniff And a carton of milk goes nothing again And something goes something And nothing goes And a periodontal scalpel goes *slurp, pop* And your mother goes "stop" And your dad goes "carry on" [Chorus] Two, three, four, pets Yes I'm thinking all about pets I think it's improve my life if I got a pet What's better, to have a partner or to have a pet? I don't know