This Is What It's Like

It's happening again
I'm tearing at the slack, clawing at my skin
Until all that's left is all there's ever been
Until all that's left
Are new beginnings and nerve endings
Open pores hammered shut with blackened nails
The spiral starts, I descend
Years peel back like pages
So much time
Nothing changes
Everyone's moved on
Look at me, I'm still here
A monument to my avoidance
I didn't break it (Why do I have to fix it?)
God left me fucking unfinished
God left me
There's gonna be a day it's all too much
And everything that's kept me alive has disappeared
This is what it's like
To have a predisposition to self destruction
It never leaves
It never leaves me be
I want to be washed, want to be cleaned
Want to be free from the burn in my bones that keeps me awake
No escape from the unwavering ache
When all this is over
You better remember this is what you wanted
You've lost your stomach for violence
And if you want me dead, keep fucking trying
I'm in your shadow, I'm in your blood
I'm all that I can or will ever love
I am a burden to everyone
I am a burden
And now all that's left is
A .357 called intervention
A natural end
Finally meeting expectations
The pain of regret never softens or dulls
It's an ever-spreading hole with concrete walls
I wish I knew how to live
Half as well as I know how to fail
This is what it's like
What the fuck do you know about falling apart?
You've got it all figured out
I'm still here waiting to start
This is what it's like
This is what it's like to know
This is what it's like
This is what it's like to know
That there is no self that will not crumble
This is what it's like to know
I'll do all of this again tomorrow