Verified

I used to have no friends and no job
And I'd sit around with no pants on
Had no dates, got no love
'Cause I still live with my grandma
And everyone treated me badly (you suck!)
City bus would drive right past me
My dog even said, "We're over!"
He wants to see other owners

(Hey!) So I talked to a doctor
(Hey!) 'Cause I was overthinking
(Hey!) That day she quit and she recommended I just start drinking
(You got problems)
My dating profile said, "Just swipe left"
'Cause I know I'll annoy them
Women wouldn't even look my direction
Hey, Siri! (I have a boyfriend)

Then one day I overslept (huh?)
Woke up late like, "What the heck?" (Wait)
Checked my socials, wait a sec (what?)
Next to my name was a big blue check?

Bitch, I'm verified
Bitch, I'm verified
(I get the blue check, I get the blue check, I-I get the blue check)
Bitch, I'm verified

I'm feeling tremendous
Now people clap when I finish up a sentence (yeah)
Now they build a statue to honor my existence (oh, God)
Now I got the president filling up my mentions (woo)
I don't need a chauffeur
I ain't had a car since last October
Ever since they gave me a Nobel Prize
I don't drive 'cause the crowd carries me everywhere on their shoulders

(Hey!) They put my face on a dollar
(Hey!) I grew a few inches taller
(Hey!) Being verified is amazing
Ellen hit me up and said she wants to have my baby (I love you!)
And they tore down the Sphinx
And replaced it with my face and my social links
And they named a new species of dinosaur after me
Puff-Puffasaurus, naturally

When I hang around the Queen
She's the one who bows to me
She's gotta show respect
'Cause I'm the one with the big blue check

Bitch, I'm verified
Bitch, I'm verified
(I get the blue check, I get the blue check, I-I get the blue check)
Bitch, I'm verified
(I get the blue check, I get the blue check, I-I get the blue check)
Bitch, I'm verified

Puff-Puff, Puff-Puff! It's time to cut the grass!
No, grandma! I don't have to mow
I'm verified now!
A veggie-what? I don't care if you eat meat or not
You get out there and cut that grass!
Ugh!