Better off Broken

Feeling so anxious, I step in your office
Hear: "How was your week? How do you feel?" It's hard to be honest
All I can think about is shutting back down
What's wrong with me? I should be better by now
You tell me be patient, that it'll be worth it
All the suppression, session by session, pulled to the surface
All of the demons through the years I've bottled up
But I'm exhausted, and the past is too much

I'm not ready, it's too heavy
I'm not ready

Why is healing so hard?
And why does numb feel like my only friend?
'Cause when I swallow my scars
Then I don't have to feel it all again
I'm so tired of tearing the trauma back open
Am I better off, better off broken?

I don't wanna breathe deep, I'm tired of mindful
When even the smallest things in my life are making me spiral
I had no say, inherited a hemorrhaged heart
It's so unfair that every day is this hard
I wanna be normal for so many reasons
Like, I'll never have the time that I need for anger and grieving
Basic functioning's becoming such a chore
What would I be like if they cared a little more?

I'm not ready, it's too heavy
Stop pushing me, just let me be empty

Why is healing so hard? (so hard, so hard)
And why does numb feel like my only friend?
'Cause when I swallow my scars (my scars, my scars)
Then I don't have to feel it all again
I'm so tired of tearing the trauma back open
Am I better off, better off broken?

'Cause fifty minutes every week is not enough for what I need
To give me evidence, I'll shake my skeletons
I know you say these thoughts are liars
But I don't wanna live this tired
With very little proof and everything to lose
I'm scared; you're getting sick of me
So, tell me honestly

Why is healing so hard?
And why does numb feel like my only friend?
'Cause when I swallow my scars
I don't have to feel

Why is healing so hard? (so hard, so hard)
And why does numb feel like my only friend?
'Cause when I swallow my scars (my scars, my scars)
Then I don't have to feel it all again
I'm so tired of tearing the trauma back open
Am I better off, better off broken?

Am I better off broken?
Better off broken?
Am I better off, better off broken?