Sod's Toastie

[Verse 1]

Thank fucking Christ if you can find the end of the Sellotape in under 15 minutes

I remember last time I did this, I was only five or six

And now I realise everything's been going downhill ever since

Cause I still trapse the butts of my fags in with my feet

Oh, and the people, they still get cross, like they did when I was just sixteen

Like when a policeman said I was strange for keeping money under my cap

I ran off, and when I got back, he gave me a punch in the face

Hе said, "It's your word against mine boyo"

I said, "Well, herе's looking at you, kid", and he laughed

[Verse 2]

And now, the ladybirds live in clusters

In the corners of my windows

And they judge me as I get older

Just like one million mothers

"When will you ever learn?"

The insects say to me

I said, "Well, how should I know that?

It's not like I'm clairvoyant"

They said, "Don't answer back

You know your cheek won't work with us

Y'know, you really better buck up

Or we'll fly right up your ass"

And I think I better pull up my pants

As I proceed to read my book

Which is not 'Twelve Rules for Life'

By Jordan fucking Peterson

Which, if I remember correctly, is about

Keeping your room tidy, whilst being a dick about it

[Verse 3]

Here's a story of a misadventure I had the other day

Whilst trying to make a cup of coffee, and a cheese toastie

Which I think sums up the experience of being alive quite nicely

Well, I've been trying to make music again for everybody, all day

But it just wasn't flowing at all

So instead I decided to do one of the menial tasks that I had to do, on my list of my menial tasks

Which didn't require any emotion or thought

Like package and send two Cool Greenhouse tea towels which were long overdue

But then when I went to fetch the iron, the cord was broken

A mouse had chewed all the way through the wire

I thought, 'Screw it, I'll send them with creases'

But when I went to print out the addresses

The printer kept jamming

So I tried with a pen

But all the pens were either dried up, or out of ink

So I wrote the addresses in lipstick

But I missed the post office by about two minutes

So I put everything off and decided to make a cheese toastie and a coffee instead

To ease my mind

There wasn't any butter

But I thought, 'Okay, that's fine'

And I smeared on some oil with a spoon

But the grill was stuck on high

And I wasn't able to pay much attention

So the toastie turned ash black on both sides

I thought, 'Never mind'

'Well, I'll just scrape the black off with a knife'

But whilst I was doing this, all the scraped burned bits went into my coffee and ruined it

So I made another coffee

Only this time, I stirred it with the oily spoon, by mistake

So now, it had disgusting oily globules all in it

By this time, the toastie was stone cold

So I just

Hung myself