Life Advice

Well, a shameful, lop-sided, amateurish woollen bat
Looked at you sideways
It was the kind you get in a rotary club jumble sale
Which is what you were in fact at
Between jars of horrible antique jam
And the kind of vase that it's impossible to imagine
Well, who designed them? and who made them?
And who bought them? and why they're not already broken?
And floral throws real flowers wouldn't be seen dead in
Home-made pots with plastic ones looking depressed in

Well this bat, he was twirling from a woollen string
And he looked at you
And he said
"Well, never look back"

You thought, "That's good advice"
Advice for life
Yeah, good advice
But then someone tapped you on the shoulder

Now imagine you're writing in a snow storm
Correcting addresses with a broken Biro before you post them
Your glasses are clouded with understandable frustration
Teeth chattering like peanuts on a slalom
Then some guy you don't recognise comes along and butts in
His hair's all knotted from being out so long in the wind

He's in a poncho, sunglasses, a saucy grin
Stares you in the face and says
"Well, take it all in your stride"

Well, that's good advice
Advice for life
Good advice
But then he got on his bike

Finally, she's walking along the side of a mausoleum
Gets her foot trapped in one of those grates with the big gaps in
Droves of tourists in flip-flops just walk straight by
And the community service officer just stares her right in the eyes
A feral dog sprays all over her new handbag
The sun goes down, she misses her school run

And then some old lady comes along, pointing her fag
And almost in song, she says
"Well, don't look down on anyone"

Well that's good advice
Advice for life
Yeah, good advice
Advice for life
Oh, good advice
Advice for life
Yeah, good advice
But then she turned into a graveyard