Cardboard Man

[Verse 1]

Well I love the women

Y'know, they're so good at cooking

And I love the coloureds

They're just so damn good-looking

I even love the gays

Y'know, one does my hair-cutting

And when I see a pig's head

Y'know I think of nothing

[Chorus]

'Cause I'm a cardboard man

Yes I'm a cardboard man

Well my thoughts are all cardboard

I'm just like my old man

[Verse 2]

And I'm down with the kids

'Cause my facts are alternative

And I won Strictly Come Dancing

Oh, without even trying

And I've got a nasty coke habit

Good thing you know nothing about it

I've got medium-sized hands

There's no two ways about it

[Chorus]

I'm a cardboard man

I'm a cardboard cut-out

Yes, I'm a cardboard man

Oh I'm made of wet cardboard, white cardboard

[Verse 3]

My favourite metal is gold

My favourite liquid is water

My favourite gas is hot air

And I love Harry Potter

Y'know I'm a West Ham supporter

Or was it Aston Villa?

Well, you can see right through me

I'm like a glass of water

[Chorus]

'Cause I'm a cardboard man, man

Yes, I'm a cardboard man

[Verse 4]

Take a photo of me

Down your local boozer

I'm just an ordinary geezer

But with a Smeg fridge-freezer

And I care about everyone

As much as cardboard can

I didn't ask to be comfortable

Well, pity the white man

Y'know I'm a laid back guy

I never ask for trouble

But if you look at me funny

I'm gonna drop a bomb on your hospital

[Bridge]

And I did not have sexual relations with that woman

Or with that pig

[Outro]

Now throw tomatoes

At the cardboard man

Throw all your tomatoes

As hard as you can

And if you've got a lettuce

Well, you can throw that too

Oh, throw all your vegetables

At this cardboard fool