Well, I'm trying to read my Sunday Times
It costs a nickel and twelve dimes
I bought it late Saturday night
I’ve almost finished but not quite
It weighed a ton it seemed to me
That each one of them must take a tree to make
And also, I should think
It takes about a gallon of ink
Right off the bat it's Section One:
Who, why, where, how and what got done
The outlook's bleak, it’s clear to see
That Section One depresses me
All the heavy duty news
It gives you the over-informed blues
And I'm so relieved when One's all through
Thumb through One, get on to Two
Now I'm a show-biz kinda guy
The business is my life yeah, that's no lie
Two's one of my favorite parts:
Entertainment, Leisure Arts
Which movie's great, which Broadway play
Exclamation points the way
The next time that things get this great
Is Sports way up in Section Eight
I hoist the Times into my lap
And take some time out to heave some crap
I guess some guys dig Section Three
But Business bores the pants offa me
If you want boring, here's a chore:
The Week in Review, that Section Four
Now who in the hell wants a review?
Once was enough for me, thank you
After Three and Four it’s clear
You want to get away from here
Escape to somewhere and you’ll thrive
It's time to Travel - Section Five
Guatamala’s always quaint
Although the right-wing death squads ain't
Botanic salons down the block
Better stay at home, escape culture shock
The Magazine is Section Six
With food and wine, full-color pics
So sexy that you gotta stare
At all the advertisements in there
So glossy that the pages stick
Flipping one at a time's a trick
The crossword will keep you up late
And it's camp if your kids are overweight
Section Seven, Book Review
It comes with me into the loo
The TV section - that’s Eleven
Naturally that goes with Seven
Seven-Eleven, that's it
I read them there when 'ere I sit
Reading reviews of those who write
Leads one to think that one day one might
You need a job - try Section Nine
Oh, you're not jobless? Hey, that's fine
Section Ten is Real Estate
You're not homeless? Hey, that's great
In this town everything is strange
In this town life's subject to change
What goes up comes down again
Hold on to Nine, hold on to Ten
Well, it's Tuesday and I'm still not done
With Sunday's Times, son of a gun
Monday and Tuesday's still unread
I coulda read War and Peace instead
A great relief I do not doubt
When it's time to throw all of these Times out
Tomorrow I'll buy Wednesday's Times
It's just one nickel...
Hey, just one nickel...
Yeah, just one nickel and three dimes
READ MORE ABOUT LOUDON WAINWRIGHT III
