The Eminem Interview

{AL}

Welcome back to Al TV! Right now, it's time for our exclusive interview with Mr Marshall Mathers, also known as Eminem, also known as The Real Slim Shady, also known as Missy "Misdemeanour" Elliott. We’ll follow his startling transformation from hardcore Alf fan to hardcore rapper. This is indeed a pleasure. Marshall, welcome to Al TV! I'm sorry, should I call you Marshall or Missy?

[EMINEM]

Marshall, y'know what I’m sayin'?

{AL}

Well, Marshall it is, then. Hope it wasn't out of line to ask.

[EMINEM]

No, it wasn't. Y'know what I'm sayin'?

[AL]

I know what you're saying. ’Cause, you know, I wouldn’t want you to be offended.

[EMINEM]

And I'm not. A’ight, y'know what I'm sayin'?

[AL]

I know what you’re saying.

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

[AL]

I know what you're saying.

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

[AL]

*sigh* Yes, I do.

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

[AL]

Yes.

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

[AL]

Yep.

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

[AL]

I know what you're saying.

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

{AL}

Yeah!

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

{AL}

Yes, yes!

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

{AL}

Yes!

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

[AL]

Yes!

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying? (x8)

[AL]

Yes, I - I told ya! Look, I said that I- What? I said I-

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

[EMINEM]

Y'know what I'm saying?

[AL}

Yеs, yes I know what you're saying, alright?

[EMINEM]

*sighs* Whatevеr...

[AL]

Anyway, thanks for being on the show. You know, we've had a lot of great guests dropping by. Have you ever met Celine Dion?

[EMINEM]

I have felt like killing her before.

[AL]

Well, obviously, we all have. Um, ever felt like killing anybody else?

[EMINEM]

Y'know, most of my family members.

[AL]

That's nice. Which reminds me, do you feel that you owe at least part of your success to the loving support that your family has given you over the years?

[EMINEM]

I don't owe nobody in my family nothin'.

[AL]

You don't owe nobody in your family nothing? Wow, that's a triple negative! Does that mean that you do owe somebody in your family something?

[EMINEM]

It's like, it's up to you to decide y'know?

[AL]

Oh, I almost forgot. I know it's your favourite, so I made you a Twinkie wiener sandwich.

[EMINEM]

I knew you'd make it, I knew you'd make it.

[AL]

But before I give it to you, I just want you to answer me one simple question: what is the mathematical formula used to determine the area inside a pentadodecahedron?

[EMINEM]

It's a simple formula, it's a simple formula.

[AL]

Alright, what is it?

[EMINEM]

You know.

[AL]

No I don't know(!). What is it?

[EMINEM]

It's-it's-it's easy. I mean, the formula is- first of all, the, y'know...

[AL]

Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. You have no idea what you're talking about.

[EMINEM]

Yeah, so I'd better just shut up.

[AL]

Uh-huh. Um, what was the last time you were completely de-loused?

[EMINEM]

Um, *bleeped*. Last year?

[AL]

Hm. Well, I've been asking all the questions here. Are there any questions you wanna ask me?

[EMINEM]

You know, how many times can you rhyme...uh... tearing me apart, breaking my heart?

[AL]

Well, let's see. Homer and Bart, medical chart, strawberry tart, served on a cart, back to the start, post-modern art, plastic lawn dart, missing a part, Humphrey Bogart, lighting a fart and blue light special each day at K-Mart! Eleven!

[EMINEM]

You're being a *bleeped* *bleeped*.

[AL]

Jealous, much? Hey, d'ya know,I ha- I was wondering: why weren't you at the Academy Awards to pick up your Oscar? Was your macrame class that night?

[EMINEM]

Yeah.

[AL]

Bummer. But, I know this, but you did show up at the MTV Awards and you almost got into a fight with Triumph The Insult Comic Dog. Were you afraid that a sock puppet was gonna kick your butt?

[EMINEM]

Y'know, that was the way I felt at the time y'know?

[AL]

Well, have you two patched things up or is your rap war still going on?

[EMINEM]

Yeah, it's still going on.

[AL]

That's too bad. Y'know, I ran into Triumph recently and, uh, he wanted me to tell you that he thinks you're a really excellent rapper... for him to poop on. How does that make you feel?

[EMINEM]

I don't know, it's like... I don't know, it doesn't necessarily hurt my feelings because I kind of expect it, y'know what I'm saying?

[AL]

So, tell me, Marshall, how do you feel about censorship in music?

[EMINEM]

I feel like, um, y'know, I-I really believe in freedom of speech, I can't even stress that enough. I feel like, especially artistic expression, y'know, I believe an artist should be an artist and be able to say whatever he wants to say whether, whether you think it's good or bad, y'know.

[AL]

Uh-huh. So you think, for example, if somebody wanted to do, oh I don't know, a parody of somebody else's video they should be able to artistically express themselves and just do it?

[EMINEM]

Um...

[AL]

Oh, I'm just bustin' your chops. I know you said I couldn't do a video for my Lose Yourself parody but, hey, y'know, it's your choice.

[EMINEM]

Yeah, exactly. So-

[AL]

Just between you and me, though, don't you think my version of the song is just a little bit better than yours?

[EMINEM]

And that's kinda what pisses me off.

[AL]

I knew it! Well, now I don't have a video to promote my new album Poodle Hat, but y'know. As long as you're happy. You are happy, aren't you? You're happy, right? 'Cause I sure want you to be happy!

[EMINEM]

You're *bleeped* crazy! You're crazy, for real, you're crazy.

[AL]

Well, since I don't have a video for it, and since this is my stinkin' show, whaddaya say we just sit here and listen to the whole song right now?

[Couch Potato by" Weird Al" Yankovic plays. AL reads a newspaper while EMINEM sits, looking embarrassed]

[AL]

Aw, what's the matter? Don't you like it?

[EMINEM]

No, I, it's-it's just, it's ridiculous, it's repetitive and just, it gets on my nerves.

[AL]

Eh, give me a break. I could only change the words, I couldn't change the music too.

[EMINEM]

I just think that, um, it's sissy music.

[AL]

Really? Well, then I imagine you'd really like it.

[EMINEM]

No, you didn't just say that! You little bitch!

[AL]

Aw, come on, Marshall, you came out of the closet years ago. Don't be so coy.

[EMINEM]

That was my personal business, y'know what I'm saying?

[AL]

Marshall, it's okay, you can talk about it now. Do you remember what it was like when you first came out?

[EMINEM]

Um, like when I first came out, when I first came out, I noticed a difference, like, when I first came out, I came out, when I came out, not many people really understood me or understood where I was coming from.

[AL]

That must have been tough. H-hey, y'know, I have to admit, I- I was a little bit nervous about doing this interview. I-

[EMINEM]

Relax guy, I like gay men, y'know.

[AL]

That's great, but I-I'm not gay.

[EMINEM]

I don't believe that.

[AL]

Well, *laughs* sorry, but I'm not. What, do you find me attractive or something?

[EMINEM]

Maybe I do...

[AL]

Wait, I- are you hitting on me?

[EMINEM]

Yeah...

[AL]

Uh...

[EMINEM]

You don't have anything to say?

[AL]

Well, I'm flattered, I guess. but I'm just really not interested. Why don't you go hit on Brad Pitt or something?

[EMINEM]

Yeah, he's cute, but isn't he married though?

[AL]

Yeah, I guess so, but, look, I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. I-I just asked you here so I could interview you, that's all!

[EMINEM]

Well what the *bleeped*,this is, you know, this is *bleeped* to me.

[AL]

Hey, calm down! I-I just wanted to talk to you about your music. Y-y'know, I happen to think you're very talented and, and you've got a lot of potential for growth. I-I see your talent as, as kind of a little acorn seed, and when that acorn seed is- is planted, and watered, and nurtured and allowed to grow, do you know what it eventually becomes?

[EMINEM]

*bleeped* tree!

[AL]

Yeah... do you think you might possibly have Tourette's syndrome?

[EMINEM]

Y'know, y'know if it's *bleeped* whatever, y'know.

[AL]

You've got a little potty mouth, don't you?

[EMINEM]

I don't believe that nobody can not swear.

[AL]

You don't believe that nobody can not swear? Wow, another triple negative! So does that mean that you do believe that somebody can- oh, nevermind. So, how do you feel about clean rappers like Will Smith?

[EMINEM]

I used to respect Will Smith, and when he came out and started talking about, you know, he-he dissed the whole gender of-of-of rap.

[AL]

The whole gender of rap? Are you sure you don't mean genre? I- I mean, I don't wanna second-guess you or anything, uh, you are the Oscar-winning, critically-acclaimed wordsmith and all. Um, so, you're a- you're a big fan of the gender of rap then, are you?

[EMINEM]

That is one of the most influential musics out there.

[AL]

Very well-spoken. Well, speaking of rap, we're gonna have to wrap up this little interview *laughs*. You know, I'm actually free after the show. You wanna maybe go out and do something later?

[EMINEM]

We'll get- we'll get- we'll get some decent-looking dudes and we'll-

[AL]

No, Marshall, I told you I'm not into that! How about if we just go bowling instead?

[EMINEM}

A'ight.

[AL]

Great, well thanks for coming on the show. And, by the way, in case you didn't know, *laughs* I'm just playin', Marshall, you know I love you.

[EMINEM]

Right.

[AL]

We'll be right back.

[EMINEM punches AL in the face. AL falls to the floor.]