Trapped in the Drive-Thru

[Verse 1]

Seven o'clock in the evening, watchin' somethin' stupid on TV

I'm zoned out on the sofa when my wife comes in the room and sees me

And she says, "Is this Behind the Music with Lynyrd Skynyrd?"

And I say, "I don't know", say, "It's gettin' late, what you wanna do for dinner?"

She says, "I kinda had a big lunch, so I'm not super hungry"

I said, "Well, you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either, but I could eat"

She said, "So what do you have in mind?"

I said, "I don't know, what about you?"

She said, "I don't care if you're hungry, let's eat"

I said, "That's what we're gonna do

But first you gotta tell me what it is you're hungry for"

And she says, "Let me think, what's left in our refrigerator?"

I said, "Well, there's tuna, I know"

She said, "That went bad a week ago"

I said, "Is the chili okay?"

She said, "You finished that yesterday"

I hopped up and said "I don't know; do you want to get something delivered?"

She's like, "Why would I want to eat liver? I don't even like liver"

I'm like, "No, I said 'delivered'"

She's like, "I heard you say 'liver'"

I'm like, "I should know what I said"

She's like, "Whatever, I just don't want any liver"

Well, I was gonna say something, but my cell phone started to ring

Now who could be callin' me? Well I checked my caller ID

It was just cousin Larry callin' for the third time today

My wife said, "Let it go to voicemail"

I said, "Okay"

"Where were we? Oh, dinner, right

So what d'ya want to do?"

She says, "Why don't you whip up somethin' in the kitchen?"

"Yeah," I said, "why don't you?"

And then she says "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"

I says, "No"

She says, "Yes"

I says, "No"

She says, "Yes"

I says, "No"

She says, "Yes, oh, here's your keys"

I step a little bit closer

Say, "Okay, where ya want to go?"

She says, "How about The Ivy?"

I said, "Yeah, well, I don't know

I don't feel like gettin all dressed up and eatin' expensive food"

She's says, "Olive Garden?"

I say, "Nah, I'm not in the mood

And Burrito King would make me gassy, there's no doubt"

She says, "Just forget about it"

I said, "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out"

Then I get an idea

I say, "I know what we'll do"

She says, "What?" I say, "Guess" she says "What?"

I say, "We're goin' to the drive-thru"

So we head out the front door

Open the garage door

Then I open the car doors

And we get in those car doors

Put my key in the ignition

And then I turn it sideways

Then we fasten our seat belts

As we pull out the driveway

Then we drive to the drive-thru

Heading off to the drive-thru

We're approaching the drive-thru

Getting close to the drive-thru

Almost there at the drive-thru

Now, we're here at the drive thru

Here in line at the drive-thru

Did I mention the drive-thru?

[Verse 2]

Well, here we are in the drive-thru line, me and her

Cars in front of us, cars in back of us

All just waiting to order

There's some idiot in a Volvo with his brights on behind me

I lean out the window and scream

"Hey, what you tryna do, blind me?"

My wife says "Maybe we should park, we could just go eat inside"

I said, "I'm wearin' bunny slippers, so I ain't leavin' this ride"

Now a woman on a speaker box is sayin', "Can I take your order, please?"

I said, "Yes indeed, you certainly can

We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese"

Then my wife says "Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind

I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich instead this time"

I said, "You always get a cheeseburger"

She says, "That's not what I'm hungry for"

I put my head in my hands and scream

"I don't know who you are anymore"

The voice on the speaker says, "I don't have all day"

I said, "Then take our order and we'll be on our way

I wanna get a chicken sandwich and I want a cheeseburger, too"

She's like, "You want onions on that?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I already said that I do

Plus we need curly fries and don't you dare forget it

And two medium root beers, no, just one, we'll split it"

Then I said "I'm guessin' that you're probably not too bright

So read me back my order, let's make sure you got it right"

She says "One, you want a chicken sandwich

Two, you want a cheeseburger

Three, curly fries, and a large root beer"

"Stop, don't go no further"

"I never ordered a large root beer, I said medium, not large"

Then she says "We're havin' a special

I supersized you at no charge"

"Oh"

And that's all I could say, was "Oh"

And she says "Now there is somethin' else that I really think you should know

You can have unlimited refills for just a quarter more"

I say "Great, except we're in the drive-thru, so what would I want that for?"

Then she says "Wait a minute, your voice sounds so familiar, hey, is this Paul?

And my wife is all like "No, that ain't Paul

Now tell me, who's this Paul?"

She says "Oh, he's just some guy who goes to school with me

I sat behind him last year and I copied off of him in Geometry"

I said, "I know a guy named Paul, he used to be my plumber

He was prematurely bald and he moved to Pittsburgh last summer

He also had bladder problems and a really bad infection on his toe"

And she says, "Mister, please, you can stop right there

That's way more than I needed to know"

And then we both were quiet

And things got real intense

Then she says "Next window, please

That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents"

So we inched ahead in line, movin' painfully slow

I got a little bored, so I turned on the radio

Click, turned it off because my wife was getting a headache

So we both just sat there quietly, for her sake

Then I looked at her

And she looked back at me

And I said "Um, I think you have somethin' in your teeth"

She turned away from me

And then turned back and said "Did I get it?"

I said "Yeah, well, I mean, most of it

But hey, ya know, don't sweat it"

Then she said "How about now?"

I said "Yeah, almost, there's still a little bit there, but don't worry

It's probably just a piece of toast"

Now we're at the pay window or whatever you call it

Put my hand in my pocket

I can't believe there's no wallet

[Verse 3]

And the lady at the window's like

"Well, well, well, that'll be five eighty-two"

I turn around to my wife and say "How much have you got on you?"

She just rolls her eyes and says, "I'll pay for this, I guess"

So she reaches into her purse and busts out the American Express

I hand it to the lady and she says "Oh, dear

It's gotta be cash only, we don't take credit cards here"

I took back the card and said "Gee, really? Well, that sucks"

And that's when I found out my wife was only carryin' three bucks

I said, "I thought you were gonna hit the ATM today"

She says, "I never got around to it

So where's your wallet anyway?"

And I said, "Never mind, just help me to find some change"

Now the lady at the window's lookin' at me kind of strange

And she says, "Mister, please, we gotta move this line along"

I said, "Now, hold your stinkin' horses, lady, we won't be long"

So I looked around inside the glove-box

And checked the mat beneath my feet

I found a nickel in an ashtray and a couple pennies and a dime in the space between the seats

Before long I had a little pile of coins of every sort

The lady counts it up and says, "You're still about a dollar short"

And now my woman's got this weird look frozen on her face

She screams, "You know I wasn't even really hungry in the first place"

And so I turned around to the cashier again

I shrugged and said, "Okay, forget the chicken sandwich then"

So I pick up my change, pick up my receipt

And I drive to the pickup window

Man, I just can't wait to eat

And now we see this acne-ridden kid, about sixteen

Wearin' a dorky nametag that says "Hello, my name is Eugene"

And he hands me a paper bag

I look him in the eyes

And I say to him, "Hey, Eugene, could I get some ketchup for my fries?"

Well, he looks at me and I look at him

And he looks at me and I look at him

And he looks at me and I look at him

And he says, "I'm sorry, what did you want again?"

I say "Ketchup" And he says, "Oh, yeah, that's right

I just spaced out there for a second, I'm really kind of burnt tonight"

And then he hands me the ketchup

And now we're finally drivin' away

And the food is drivin' me mad with its intoxicating bouquet

I'm starvin' to death by the time we pull up at the traffic light

I say "Baby, gimme that burger, I just gotta have a bite"

So she reaches in the bag and pulls out the burger

And she hands me the burger, and I pick up the burger

And then I unwrap the paper, I bite into those buns

And I just can't believe it, they forgot the onions